Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby.

The expanse of this blog goes well beyond coffee and parenting advice. This week I’ve decided to tackle the horizontal mambo, the dirty deed – yes, I’m talking about sex. I’m giving you fair warning – if talk of sexuality makes you cringe you may want to sit this one out. It’s about to get real, so I hope you stick around because the message is important.

I’m not going to pretend to be a sexual expert. I’ve had my fair share of experiences over the years and I would consider myself to be “sexually-sound” when it comes to giving advice or talking about it in general.

I have kids – I know how this works.

To be completely honest – I’m writing this because I have kids. Because I am a woman. Because I have a voice on the subject and because I think you should hear it and realize that you have voices as well.

I know the value of coming into your own sexuality. I know how liberating it feels to be with a partner who is comfortable and makes you feel comfortable and safe. I also know, that that is not always the case for everyone, and that truly breaks my heart.

I read an article today that made me stop in my tracks. I had to pick my jaw up off of the ground. I won’t link to it, because who am I to tell people what they can and cannot write about? Plus, I don’t agree with it.

In a nutshell, it was describing the five traits to be a perfect partner in bed – two out of the five were strictly physical traits. No clue if the person was an expert in their field, but in my humble and oh-so-honest opinion, shame on them if they are. Also, I’d like to see the study that backed all of that hullaballoo up.

First of all, there is no ‘secret formula’ out there on how to be the best sexual partner. It’s non-existent and I would challenge anyone, expert or not, who tells me otherwise.

Being a good sexual partner isn’t all about how much motion you throw into the ocean. Sex is about so much more than that, or it’s about exactly that.

That’s the beauty of it.

It’s fun. It’s messy. It doesn’t have to be serious. It doesn’t have to be monogamous. Sex is what you make it. You. You and the person you are choosing to have sex with. Not a magazine, not what your friends tell you, not even me – you and you alone are in charge of your sex-life, your body and your heart.

I do have my own list of what I think is important in a sexual partner/partnership. I say partner/partnership for a couple of reasons – sex shouldn’t be one sided and also because you don’t have to be in a committed relationship to have good sex. Yep, I said it.

Oh, how taboo of me.

So I shall share my list with you – because I think it’s fairly universal and I think people need to hear it.

Settle in kids, here we go.

The things that I think are important if I want to have sex with you, and vice versa:

  • Be open-minded and communicate with one another talk about each other’s boundaries.
  • Be emotionally supportive with your partner, and they should be emotionally supportive of you as well.
  • Have sex with someone who makes you feel beautiful just as you are, and that you do the same for.
  • Sexual confidence isn’t dependent on a specific body type, sexual preference, on and on and on – period.
  • Be attentive and responsive in your sexual and all other relationships.
  • Comfort is key.
  • Don’t ever feel pressured if you or your partner isn’t ready. Respect that.
  • Be responsible and safe.
  • Consent.
  • Mutual respect.
  • No means no, period.
  • Have fun. Seriously – it’s not rocket science.

There you have it. The milk and cookies.

At the end of the day – it’s just the hanky panky. We all got here because of it, whether we want to think about it or not.

Just know that regardless of whether you have kids, are single, married, and the list goes on – you have a voice. You have an opinion. You have the right to explore your own thoughts on the subject regardless of what anyone tells you. Educate yourself so that you can educate others.

Most importantly remember this – you are in charge of your body, no one else.

Now, go make your own list and have fun.  You do you, lovelies.

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To Be or Not to Be…

This is an interesting topic that one of my readers requested: Can or should people be friends post breakup?

Let me preface by saying this – I am not a relationship expert. I don’t pretend to have all the answers people seek. I will always give my honest opinion and advice, when asked.

Let’s begin.

Can people be friends post breakup? 

One of the beautiful advantages of a being in a committed relationship are the emotional walls that can be pushed down when you reach a comfort level with another person. You learn more and more about each other and grow to see the real person you’ve chosen to be with. Those are strong ties that don’t easily sever, and some people aren’t willing to let those go.

My answer to this question is, yes. If it’s something both parties really want, it can be done.

Don’t fool yourself, it won’t be simple.

Remember that the relationship ended for a reason. You can move on, but the reasons it happened and the feelings regarding it will always be there. If you want to be friends, each person will have to learn how to truly leave all of that in the past and move forward in these different roles.

Think about it like the toothpaste experiment, once it’s out, it’s hard to put it all back.

Should people be friends post breakup?

Not always. Not immediately. Sometimes not ever.

Ah, the age-old conundrum. Just because I can, doesn’t always mean I should. I tie this back to the adage, just because it zips, doesn’t mean it fits. Amen.

When the breakup is messy. When the tensions are high. When the emotions are raw. Don’t try. Give it time. A human has to go through the same phases of grief with a breakup. Allow yourself and the other person the time you need to process through all of it. If you need to be angry, be angry. If you need to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, eat it.

Don’t try to force a friendship when one party may not be ready for it. Don’t push yourself into a friendship if you aren’t ready yet. The worst thing that could happen would be this particular scenario:

Imagine a discussion over what movie to see. Tensions are still high and someone is still grieving the end of the relationship while the other one isn’t. Suddenly, a simple decision turns into a monumental argument on how the other person never communicated enough and THIS is why the relationship ended.

Yikes.

Then there is the difficult yet sometimes necessary decision to just move on. To go your separate ways and try not to look back. To grieve individually and rely on your support systems to stumble through it as best as you can.

There you have it. My two cents.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please contact local law enforcement agencies or  The National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-877-799-7233 (SAFE).

The Things I Want My Boys to Know About Women and Relationships

I started thinking about the things I want my boys to know about women and by extension, relationships. I journeyed down this particular path after my oldest tiny-human brought home the dreaded permission slip. You know the one, the one that I have to sign allowing permission for the school to teach him about…puberty.

They also teach them about the opposite gender’s reproductive system and body changes, which made me incredibly nervous. Not for the fact that he is going to see boobies along with the dreadful Texas Longhorn-ish photo we all know too well depicting our uteruses; but more because we as women, are so much more complex than our reproductive organs.

There are things I want my boys to know about women that go beyond physical changes. I pride myself on being a mother who teaches my boys to be open minded, emotional, freethinking men. I don’t want them to have a misogynistic view of the world and I don’t want them to feel confused by women or relationships.

And so, in the midnight hours, I started jotting down my list. It grew from my thoughts on women to my thoughts on relationships as well.

  • All women are beautiful. It does not matter what size they are or what color skin they have. Repeat after me, all women are beautiful.
  • Beauty is also on the inside. Trust me when I say that not everyone has this quality, beware. Guard your heart, but stay open to love.
  • Women are not delicate creatures. Women are tough, strong-minded and powerful. It is okay to have powerful women in your life. Encourage them to stay that way and support them, always.
  • Women are EMOTIONAL – and that is okay. Remember, it is okay for you to show those same emotions.
  • Women are not always right. Admitting that in text on a public forum tastes a lot like crow. You are not always right either. Know when to stand your ground and know when to stop an argument.
  • Chivalry will never be outdated. It will always be appreciated so don’t let this wane, even as you grow with another person.
  • In relationships you become another person’s rock. But they should also be yours. Supporting one another is key.
  • Relationships are hard. Like, really hard. It takes two people working day and night to make it last. Don’t give up on things easily, even if you might want to.
  • Lies are lies. No matter how small they may seem, lies and closed doors are toxic to a relationship. Stay open and communicate effectively with one another.
  • Be yourself and let your partner be their self. Accept both and remember you can never fully love someone else until you love yourself first.
  • One day you will say, “I love you,” to someone other than your relatives. ALWAYS mean it, and NEVER take it for granted. Don’t say it just to say it or because you have nothing else to say…there’s a word for those moments, and it’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

There it is. My motherly list of simple things I want my boys to know in these departments. At least these are the things I think are important right now. Like most things in my life, I expect this list to grow and change with the seasons, but for now, this will do just fine.

A bit of additional reading. I read a great article yesterday about the differences between mature and immature relationships (article linked here). I was proud to say that the Hubs and I fell into the ‘mature’ category. Yay for adulthood!