Please Don’t Eat That…

As a boy mom I get to say things that other people don’t.

“Don’t pee on that.”

“Stop playing with it. It’s going to fall off.”

“For the millionth time – no. We are not getting a pet raccoon.”

Oddly enough, that last one gets said more to my husband than my children. But you get the idea.

In a world where kids are eating laundry detergent – not because they dropped an f-bomb – but because they want to be internet famous, I have to pat myself on the back for all the things my kids didn’t successfully eat, even though they damn well tried.

  • Marbles
  • An entire bottle of Tums
  • Ant traps
  • Deodorant
  • Legos
  • Spare change
  • Bugs off the grill of a Dodge Pickup (not belonging to us) at a gas station
  • Pretzel trash off the floor at the mall
  • Dandelions
  • Coffee grounds
  • Cat toys
  • Styrofoam
  • Chewed up and spat out French fries from a sibling Fun Fact: I tried to steal a French fry once and immediately regretted it for this very reason. I was an adult.
  • The wrapper from a biscuit
  • Candle wax
  • Beans from a bean bag chair
  • Paint
  • Rollie Polies
  • Dog food
  • Cat food
  • Styrofoam display food at Hobby Lobby

I’m sure there’s more. With three devious children there has to be.

But I proudly display my embarrassing-mom-moments to tell you this – you’re doing a great job! Parenting is hard. Those fake dinner rolls at Hobby Lobby? Yeah, they look tasty, and kids have very little self control.

Be kind to yourself, raising humans isn’t an easy task. As long as you love them, pay attention to them and get really good at yelling, “PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT EAT THAT!” I’m sure they’ll turn out to be good humans that don’t eat Tide Pods.

Also, just in case – the poison control hotline number is 1-800-222-1222…and no, I didn’t have to google that.

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Mother of three. Writer extraordinaire. Lover of art and music. Consumer of chocolate and wine.

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